How do we love and accept our children unconditionally while also teaching them what we want to teach them about how to behave in the world? It is a difficult balancing act--loving the child unconditionally, while either rewarding or expressing disapproval of their behavior--while still expressing "unconditional" acceptance. While I don't work with young children, I see many adults who are in the process of coming to terms with aspects of themselves that weren't okay to their parents (e.g., anger, sadness, sexual orientation, vulnerability, even holding opinions that differ from parents). We all come to know what our parents aren't comfortable with or do not like. Part of the therapeutic work is to re-evaluate a) what we learned about ourselves growing up, and b) see if we can come to peace with all that we are, even the parts that weren't okay in our families.
In terms of parenting, the following article does a nice job of exploring the theory and research on unconditional vs. conditional parenting and the recommendations are summed up well in the following paragraph:
"In practice, according to an impressive collection of data by Dr. Deci and others, unconditional acceptance by parents as well as teachers should be accompanied by “autonomy support”: explaining reasons for requests, maximizing opportunities for the child to participate in making decisions, being encouraging without manipulating, and actively imagining how things look from the child’s point of view."
For the entire article, see http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/15/health/15mind.html?_r=1 I see the above recommendation as a reminder that we are only consultants to our children; that they will grow up and lead whatever life they choose. Our best parenting is to give them all the acceptance we can and help them learn to choose their life thoughtfully, with the confidence in their own thought that our acceptance and love gives them. The hardest part is doing that when we don't like their current choices.
In terms of parenting, the following article does a nice job of exploring the theory and research on unconditional vs. conditional parenting and the recommendations are summed up well in the following paragraph:
"In practice, according to an impressive collection of data by Dr. Deci and others, unconditional acceptance by parents as well as teachers should be accompanied by “autonomy support”: explaining reasons for requests, maximizing opportunities for the child to participate in making decisions, being encouraging without manipulating, and actively imagining how things look from the child’s point of view."
For the entire article, see http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/15/health/15mind.html?_r=1 I see the above recommendation as a reminder that we are only consultants to our children; that they will grow up and lead whatever life they choose. Our best parenting is to give them all the acceptance we can and help them learn to choose their life thoughtfully, with the confidence in their own thought that our acceptance and love gives them. The hardest part is doing that when we don't like their current choices.
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